This is part one in a larger book
October 2008
I fear I am losing Jamie. Ever since that wretched day when Stacy left she has been fading. Jamie was only six years old when Stacy left. Stacy was thirteen. As a mother, I was heartbroken, and for days I could do nothing but sob. Jamie sat in the corner, her face never moving, never smiling. I knew I had to pull it together, not for me, but for my baby. After a year or so, Jamie would smile again. Her laugh would once more fill the air, but if you looked in her eyes you would know that she had not yet recovered, and would bear the scar of her sister’s departure until the day Stacy returned. Her green eyes would smile, but it was like looking at the sun on a cloudy day. The sun was there, but blocked by the thick, dark mass that was a cloud.
One day I came home and Jamie was sitting by the fire, her eyes filled with remembrance.
“Why did she go Mama?” She asked me.
“Who?” I responded slowly, though I knew very well who.
“Stacy. Why did she go?” Past arguments flashed through my
mind. “I hate you.” She had told me, her
eyes dark with anger. ‘You smother me. How am I supposed to grow up
when you live your life dwelling in your childhood? How am I supposed to be
responsible when you let Jamie grow up like she is? She doesn’t have any
friends! Everyone thinks she’s weird, because of you.’
‘It’s not my fault!’ I had protested, sounding like a child.
‘I don’t care what you think. I know the truth, and I am
not going to let you hurt me like you hurt Jamie.’
It took me a moment to come up with a logical response for
my seven year old.
“She um… didn’t like it here.” To put it mildly.
I stared out the window, lost in my own memories. Beside me
I heard a muffled sob. Jamie’s body was shaking as she cried. Tears flowed down
her face like a faucet.
“It’s my fault isn’t it?” She asked between gasps.
“No.” How could she think such a thing? “No of course not
Jamie, she loved you very much.”
Jamie cried harder. “But she doesn’t love me, does she?”
My voice was barley a whisper. “I don’t know.”
But
that was a long time ago, and she hasn’t cried since. Jamie has shut out all
emotion, happiness, love, sadness. The only thing she seems to care about now
is keeping the family together. Keeping me happy. On the outside, she seems
content enough, but I see her eyes, her pain, and I am afraid. Afraid that my
baby is fading.
